I'm struggling at the moment between two pictures of God - the one my head has, and the one my heart has.
My head sees God as disproving, full of laws and rules, angry.
My heart sees God as the Creator who is still creating, loving, kind, full of grace, and bigger, wilder and free-er than I can understand.
It feels like I am caught in the cross-fire of a battle between these two images, and am constantly having to defend who I am and how I live to the God who lives in my head.
Or maybe it feels like a battle between Old Testament God and New Testament God.
Actually, no - it's not a battle between them, it's OT God attacking NT God.
I am tired of feeling defensive, upset and angry because of these conflicting beliefs.
It's interesting how differently I feel when I think about these two images of God. OT God (for want of a better phrase) makes me feel tense, anxious and angry - I can feel a knot of tension in my gut when I'm thinking about Him. When I think about NT God, I can feel myself relax and I start to smile. I can stop defending myself and get on with the business of being myself!
I just don't know how to stop the fight. I'm tired!